Dean, you ignorant slut: SUPERNATURAL Season 3 Premiere Recap, Part II

Oh, don't look at me like that. You know it's true.

Back at Ye Olde Homestead of Tamara and the late, much-lamented Isaac, Possessed!Geek Walter is tied to a chair beneath a Devil’s Trap, effectively imprisoning him, and Tamara is shrieking at Sam. She wants to go back and slaughter the demons that killed her husband. Dean wants to go with her. Sam says it’s suicide -- Dean doesn’t care. He’s “already dead,” or so he says. Jeez, dude, you’ve got a whole freakin’ year. More double cheeseburgers to scarf, more twins to fuck. Hell, with your face, you could probably score triplets. Just please be sure to film it for posterity, yes?

Sam wants to know how the two fucktards...excuse me, the two intrepid warriors...plan to kill the six demons they’ve left behind. “Can’t shoot ‘em,” says Sam. “Can’t stab ‘em, and they’re not just gonna wait in line to get exorcised, inconsiderate asswipes that they are.” Oh, wait. That last part is mine.

Tamara is still shrieking. Okay, look. If I’d just watched my husband drink drain cleaner? I’d probably be unconscious on the floor. So...yeah. Lots and lots of sympathy for Tamara. But the shrieking? I’ll say the same thing I said to Ava in episode 21 of Season 2 -- unless there are vermin CRAWLING ON YOUR BODY, there is simply no reason to be that shrill. Ever.

Luckily, Bobby shuts down the argument by announcing that he knows what and/or who the seven demons are. He’s as freaked as we’ve ever seen him -- which is saying something, because Jim Beaver has played Bobby pretty damned cool and confident up until now. To see him rolling his eyes and gesticulating and speaking in an urgent stage-whisper like this is...sort of discomfiting, actually. Dude, cut it out.

Dean mugs for the camera, plainly making light of Bobby’s distress, and THAT’s fun. And then comes what’s arguably the funniest moment of the night. Bobby describes the Seven Deadly Sins as personified by demons, and Jensen Ackles rips off an okay, not-great, but certainly passable impression of Brad Pitt’s famous line from the movie SEVEN: “What’s in the boooooxxxxx???”

This isn’t what’s funny, though. As I said, the impression is only okay. It’s the reaction of those around him that gets me. They stare at him, completely stone-faced. Either they don’t get the reference -- which, not very likely -- or they’re appalled by his poor taste in light of Isaac’s death. And you can HEAR Sam thinking, “Dean, you ignorant slut.”

Tamara goes off on a rant again, and it takes Bobby to talk her down -- the cold, steely-eyed Bobby we’ve all come to love. (I’m going to assume the little over-acted freak-out of his was a momentary aberration and forgive it, ‘k?)

Cut to the exorcism scene. They ask Possessed!Geek Walter questions he refuses to answer until Dean splashes him with holy water, and can I just say ‘thank you’ to whomever lit this scene and chose to give Ackles all those lovely close-ups? Walter natters on about how happy the demon population is to be freed from hell, piling more guilt on poor Sammy and Bobby, who seem to take it all to heart in a way Dean doesn’t.

This is the thing -- I should want to SMACK this guy. I should want to watch this demon suffer and die. And I don’t...not like I wanted Meg to suffer and die. Not like I wanted the Yellow Eyed Demon to hurt. He’s just not doing it for me as a villain. And that’s too bad.

Even when he launches into his sermon about how humankind is no better than demonkind, I’m not impressed. When he calls Dean a “walking billboard for gluttony and lust,” all I can think is, “You say that like it’s a bad thing.” From Dean’s smirk, one can surmise his thoughts run in much the same direction.

This is clearly supposed to be the set-piece scene in terms of “message” for the episode, and the only thing that resonated for me in the demon’s entire monologue was his comment that humans are no more than animals -- horny, greedy, hungry, violent beasts -- and only because of the slight frown Ackles pulls at the words that makes me wonder what Dean’s thinking and when he’ll let the rest of us know. ~fangirly sigh~

Bobby posits that the rest of Envy’s posse will be coming soon. Dean offers to stay behind and slow them down while Bobby, Tamara and Sam “head for the hills.” Not surprisingly, Sam has ISSUES with this plan. He says, “If we’re goin’ down, we’re goin’ down together, all right?” -- which is one of those lines you just KNOW the writers put in there to get the Wincest-loving fangirls all riled up. Heh.

They let Tamara do the exorcism honors, which turns out to be a mistake because when Envy has left the building, Walter the FormerlyPossessed!Geek is dead. Ouch. Clearly, Tamara missed the first half of the “saving people, hunting things” seminar.

Cut to a shot of our boys prepping for battle by the golden glow of candlelight. (And again...did Ackles spend his ENTIRE hiatus bathing in the juice of the rare and delicious Pretty Fruit? Because GUH. Emphasis on the GUH.) Dean and Sam go several seconds without speaking as they ready their weapons, and then there’s this...THING...where they stare at each other across the room for a long, silent moment, and there’s TENSION, people. Some will say it’s just the boys being hyper-aware of how they’re all about to die. Some will say it’s the acknowledgment of normal sibling affection. But come on -- they’ve been about to die countless times before, and as much as I love my sister, I NEVER look at her like THAT.

Just sayin’.

This yummy moment is broken by the radio kicking on in a creepy old hymn that sounds half “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?” and half “Skeleton Key.” Dean cocks his sawed-off in that way he has -- you know what I mean? -- and says, wearily, “Here we go.” ~le sigh~

Close-up of a salt-line, and that’s pretty cool. Then Isaac -- or the demon possessing his corpse -- starts yelling for Tamara, first begging her to help him and then accusing her of abandoning him, just like she did their child, who was apparently killed by something that went bump in the night. She’s instantly hysterical -- oh, will you STOP with the SHRIEKING already -- and Bobby has to hold her back, blah blah blah. Eventually, she gets her shit together and takes down the demon in her husband’s body by skewering him with this special, demon-killing stake made from magical Peruvian wood. Gee, I can think of at least three other episodes where THAT shit would’ve come in handy. But let’s not pick nits, shall we? Although I’m betting this particular brand of stake will come in handy again before the season is out.

The other five Deadly Sins demons invade the house. Bobby lures one beneath the Devil’s Trap by pretending to be all terrified and shit, and...PSYCH! proceeds to exorcise him. (“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” Heh.)

A slender, attractive blonde follows Dean down a hallway, knocks the flask of holy water out of his hand, and smiles at him. “I suppose you’re lust,” he says, looking a little freaked.

“Baby, I’m whatever you want me to be,” says Blondie. Dean’s not impressed, but Blondie swears she won’t hurt him. Not right away, anyway. Not unless he wants her to. (See: every Dean pain!kink fic ever written.) She places a hand on his shoulder. His eyes get big -- along with, one can only assume, other parts of his anatomy -- and he grabs her and kisses her.

Cut to Sam confronting three others demons led by Pride and hey...why didn’t they get THIS actor to play Envy? He’s WAY scarier.

Pride knows Sam, who was supposed to be the Boy King or some shit, but Pride is all...prideful and doesn’t give a crap about Sam’s speshulness.

Back to Dean, making out like a madman with Lust. If her gasps and breathy moans are any indication, she’s enjoying it. So much, in fact, that she doesn’t notice as he guides her to a bathtub full of a holy water. Wow...so what they’re saying is...the hotness that is Dean Winchester can overpower even Lust. Dean out-lusts LUST.

Yeah. Okay, I can get behind that.

He grabs her and dunks her into the bathtub repeatedly, and one must assume that this incapacitates her because...

…back to Sammy and the trio in the next room. Pride’s got Sam by the neck and is choking him. It looks like lights-out for our favorite Sasquatch. Yep, Gigantor has breathed his last (again), no doubt about it...but wait! It’s Daphne to the rescue, with her improbable hair and her Knife of Demon-Slaying Goodness!

She dispatches two demons -- let’s see, one assumes Tamara did in Gluttony out on the front steps, we know Dean’s got Lust covered (heh), Envy is gone and Pride is accounted for...that leaves Wrath, Greed and Sloth. I suppose Fat, Drunk and Stupid downstairs with Bobby is Sloth, huh? So Wrath and Greed go down to Daphne’s prowess with a magical blade.

Pride lets Sam go and makes a grab for Daphne. Sam spins around, recovering AMAZINGLY quickly from being choked nearly to death, and clocks Pride a good one, sending him back toward Daph, who finishes him off with a final slice that’s kinda nifty, as you can see the blade protruding inside Pride’s open mouth. Sucks for the guy whose body is possessed though, huh? As well as the other two Daph took down. Not coming back from THAT noise. Oh well.

Sam: (gasp, choke, cough) “Who the hell are you?”
Daphne: “I’m the girl that just saved your ass.”
EARTH VIBRATES SLIGHTLY AS ENTIRE AUDIENCE GROANS.
Sam: “Well I just saved yours too.”

You tell her, Sammy. Pardon me while I go collect my eyeballs from where they rolled out of my head and down the street.

Daphne: “See ya around, Sam.” And...she’s gone. He tries to follow her, but she’s pulled a Houdini. Because...say it with me, folks...she’s just. that. good.

Crap, there go the eyeballs again.

Cut to three demons in a grave. Dean and Sam are making with the salt and the gasoline. Tamara watches as Isaac burns on a pyre many yards away. Sam asks if Dean thinks she’ll be all right, and Dean answers in the negative. Here comes Bobby, who says the “pretty girl” and the “heavy guy” will survive their possessions and exorcisms with a lifetime of therapy bills ahead. So...wait...what about Walter, the original Bearded!Geek? Where’s HIS body? Maybe it’s in the grave and you just can’t see it?

Sam wants to know about Daphne’s magical demon-dispatching knife. Dean wants to know “who was that masked chick?” and how come a girl can fight better than Sam? (Oh, Dean. Good thing you’ve got the market cornered on Pretty, because you’re SUCH an asshole sometimes.) Sam wants to know what other nifty shit they’ve let out of hell. Dean lights the grave.

Tamara takes her traumatized leave. Bobby reminds the boys to keep their “eyes peeled for omens” and “he’ll do the same.” Sam asks him if he thinks they can win this war. Bobby doesn’t answer.

Sam wants to go to Louisiana to visit a hoodoo priestess who can maybe help get Dean out of his deal with the Crossroads Demon. Dean says no way, no how, ain’t happenin’, and suggests Reno instead.

Sam’s had enough. Pissy bitch-face in full force, he confronts Dean about his cavalier attitude toward his own upcoming demise and damnation. Dean explains that if they try to get out of the deal he’s made, Sam drops dead.

Sam wants to know why his brother would ever make that deal. Dean has no qualms in stating, right up front, that he can’t live without Sammy. Awwww.

But now Sam calls him selfish for making him live without Dean in a year. Dean agrees -- he’s totally selfish, but thinks he’s entitled after everything he’s done for his family, and if Sam doesn’t like it, he can SUCK IT. Okay, not really.

Dean says he’s tired. He considers his deadly deadline a “light at the end of the tunnel.” Sam reminds him that the light he sees is hellfire. Dean’s all “what-the-fuck-ever, dude.” He’s got a year to live and wants to make the most of it by killing “evil sons-of-bitches” and raising “a little hell.”

Sam: “You’re unbelievable.”
Dean: “Very true.” ~smirksmirksmirkitysmirk~
Me: “Crap. Catch those before they make it to the next block, will you?”

Next week: See Dean confront his own mortality in the form of a kid you know damn well isn’t his, because primetime TV doesn’t play that way.

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