Supernatural Premiere Ep Recap: TWoP can SUCK IT.

WARNING: If you are one of the handful of SUPERNATURAL fans in the known universe and do not wish to be SPOILED for the Season 3 premiere, read no further.

Seriously. Scoot. Get outta here. It’s on TONIGHT, for God’s sake -- surely you can wait that long?

No? Pathetic. But no more pathetic than I, who couldn’t wait and therefore downloaded the episode from iTunes last night, within milliseconds of it becoming available.

I thought I’d try my hand at a recap, since I’ve been banned from TWoP (Television Without Pity, self-purported inventors of snark) for smarting off to a moderator -- he SO had it coming, the pedantic twit -- and am boycotting the site in protest. Yeah. That’ll teach ’em. :p

Thus, the first half of my SUPERNATURAL Season 3 Premiere recap. Because somebody clearly has way too much time on her hands.

“The Magnificent Seven”

THE ROAD SO FAR
(also known as “Previously, on Supernatural...”)

BONG! BONG! BONG! (Don’t ask for whom the bell tolls, Dean-baby. Seriously. Don’t.)

Ooh, new title cards. No more “chick-in-a-white-nightie-being-charred-on-the-ceiling" type flames...now it’s pitted silver lettering with rising...steam? Smoke? Ghostly essence? Whatever. It’s white and misty, and it doesn’t matter because...

...look! Dean’s ass! In flimsy blue hospital scrubs! And the reaper from the Season 2 premiere in her original, phantomy, not-pretty-brunette form. In voiceover, Dean intones much blah blah blah about how Dad’s gone, and it’s just them, and they need to carry out his legacy, which means killing as many “evil sons-of-bitches” as they can. In the meantime, we see Sammy have his come-to-Jesus moment from “Houses of the Holy,” and then…

...Metallicar! Cresting a hill in the sunshine to strains of mullet rock guitar, and can I get an amen?

Next come quick shots of:

...Dean shooting a ghost in the face...Sammy fucking a pretty brunette werewolf...Dean kissing a blonde in a bar...a creeptastic full moon...the boys running through a dark cemetery...the walking, talking, rotting corpse of another pretty brunette...another cemetery shot, this one from the Season 2 finale...Sammy shooting a -- yeah -- pretty brunette zombie (different one this time) in the face...pretty brunette Crossroads Demon giving up the ghost (sense a pattern?)...a window explodes...Dean bursts through a door, gun drawn...Sammy fucks the werewolf some more...Dean smirks into the camera...Sammy grins...a room explodes, showering a tied-to-a-chair Dean with debris...Dean stakes a vampire with what looks like a flagpole...Sam sets a corpse on fire...Dean crawls out of a manhole, looking displeased...a blue, tattooed genie threatens Sam with his fiery-hand-of-badness, and Sammy reacts by swinging a knife...a shirtless Dean sits up in bed, looking confused...Sammy practices Flashlight!Fu...Dean smirks some more...imaginary hookers crawl across a bed...DEMON!...Sammy nails demon with iron poker ~snerk~...METALLICAR!...Dean checks out a grave...Dean gets the crap kicked out of him by aforementioned imaginary hookers...Dean shoots a werewolf...stuff explodes...Dean grapples with a shapeshifter and gets a handful of EWWW...METALLICAR!...Sammy engages in a little hand-to-hand...Dean loads a clip into his favorite automatic...a doorway glows with otherworldly light...Sammy beats the hell out of a SWAT team stormtrooper...Dean and Bobby (yay, Bobby!) grab weapons from the trunk of Metallicar...a disembodied hand grabs a knife...Dean warns Sam...Sam takes the knife in the back...Dean yells...Sam falls...Dean runs...Sam dies...*sob*

Sorry, needed a minute.

...Dean approaches the crossroads, in the mood to make a deal...Sammy lies dead, blue and mottled on a stained mattress...Dean makes that deal with -- wait for it -- a pretty brunette demon...Dean seals deal with kiss as Sammy chokes back to life...Sammy shoots guy who stabbed him, looking disturbingly drunk and surly while he does it...the Yellow Eyed Demon hints that Sammy came back WRONG...Dean bleeds prettily...Dean shoots Yellow Eyed Demon...door to Hell opens, unleashing more demons than you can shake a stick at...Bobby says “the war’s just begun”...Sam looks concerned...Dean looks like he’s going to Disneyland...and...

Cut to black. Sweet fancy Moses, that fucker was almost a full two minutes long.

NOW

Oak Park, Illinois. A suburb of Chicago, if I rightly recognize the fake skyline in the distance.

A darkened street. Bearded guy exits house with trash. His high-waisted, polyester trousers and short-sleeved, button-down shirt scream “GEEEEEEEEEEEK!” He looks longingly at the shiny new car in the driveway next to his, comparing it to his own rustbucket.

Then! The trashcans bang and thump for no apparent reason. The streetlights blink on and off. Anyone who’s ever seen even a single ep of SPN waits for the inevitable...

...DEMON! Or, in this case, demons. Puffy plumes of black smoke fill the sky, knocking Bearded Geek down. One of them pries open his jaws and shoots into his mouth, and it’s not nearly as erotic as it sounds. Bearded!Geek opens his eyes and...

...it’s the Shiny Black Contacts of Demon Possession! Bearded-and-Newly-Possessed!Geek stands up and watches as the other demons rain down on Chicago, a
smug smile on his fuzzy, possessed face. We’re in for it now.

Cut to black...aaaand...new title card! In place of flame-y explosions, we have bruised-looking, smoky clouds with SUPERNATURAL in the pitted silver superimposed over top. Which makes sense, if you think about it. The Yellow Eyed Demon is dead, no more mommies or girlfriends will be flambed on the ceiling, time to move it along, thematically speaking. Then!

ONE WEEK LATER

A close-up of Sam, and Christ on a cracker, I can count his pores. Who thought THAT was a good idea? He’s reading Faustus by flashlight in the front seat of the Impala. He glances up and...guh.

Dean. In a wifebeater. I think I need another minute.

Okay, so, yes. Dean, in a white wifebeater, giving Sammy the double thumbs-up through what appears to be a motel window, and then shutting the curtains. Bachman Turner Overdrive’s “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” plays in the background. The silhouette of a nubile young woman appears against the curtains, and Dean removes her shirt without so much as a “come here often?” Sammy is somewhat amused. Me? I’m a teensy bit squicked. I mean, I totally understand that he’s a dead man walking and needs to get it where he can, and I fully support five-minute-long montages featuring Jensen Ackles’ naked ass ANYTIME they wanna go there. But something about this scenario just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe it’s the cheese-factor. Maybe I prefer my cheap, meaningless sex a little darker, a little more gritty. Maybe I’m just jealous.

ANYWAY...Sam’s cell rings, and we cut to Bobby speeding down the highway. They discuss how Sam plans to get Dean out of his deal with the Crossroads Demon.

Cut to Dean’s silhouette against the sheer curtains. He’s...dancing? And laughing. Pure. Stinky. Gorgonzola. (And, in my humble opinion, fairly out of character. Dean Winchester does not DANCE. Not even when he’s about to get laid.)

Bobby asks where Dean is. Sam answers, “Polling the electorate.” ~snort~ Nice one.

Bobby and Sam move on to discussing the demon war at hand. Cut to Sammy knocking on the motel door, and a shot of a lingerie-strewn floor. Sam’s head peeks around the corner and we hear, in this order: a manly huffing that instantly brings to mind Dean...ahem...exerting himself, and then the ecstatic moans and whimpers of not one but two women. Sam is distressed by whatever it is he sees and WE DON’T GET TO SEE, GODDAMMIT.

Cut to Metallicar cresting a hill to the tune of Dean’s joyous whoop. He’s pretty pleased with himself, is Dean. Sam wants to gouge his own eyes out with Dean’s knife. Dean refers to his “beautiful, natural act” with his recent bed partners, “the Doublemint twins.” Classy. The scent of Limburger is strong with this one, master.

Sam does his best not to lose his dinner all over the dash...and really? I’d like to say I see his point, but the last thing HE fucked sprouted fur and fangs. Not a lot of room to talk, there, baby bro.

Onto more important matters. Sam relates that Bobby thinks he’s found something...and we’re suddenly drowning in a lukewarm puddle of poorly-written exposition. Blah blah blad-diddy-blah, DemonCakes. Dean uses the word “bupkis.” Sam looks bemused. MOVE IT ALONG, already.

Cut to farmhouse just outside Lincoln, Nebraska. Bobby’s waiting as the Impala pulls up. Dean’s eating something greasy for breakfast. He justifies this with yet more exposition about how he’s only got a year to live, and he’s not sweating the cholesterol. In his defense, Ackles tosses off this info-dump with all the disgusted apathy it deserves.

They enter the house. It reeks of death. You can tell by the way all three men pull the “God, this house reeks of death” expression.

After much flashing of weaponry in search of the source of the stench -- during which Ackles as Dean looks especially fine...something about the lighting maybe? Can you tell I have a brotherly preference? -- they find a family in the TV room, very much dead. More stench, a few flies...okay, I believe it. They’ve convinced me. Seriously. Ew.

But Dean still looks good. He hears a noise, goes outside to investigate, and gets sucker-punched for his trouble by a large, African-American man with a big ol’ rifle who, it turns out, is a friend of Bobby’s, along with his wife. Isaac and Tamara are their names.

Cut to evening in a new location -- a three-story house surrounded by lots of leafy vegetation. No title card to explain. Okey dokey.

Dean is on the phone, schmoozing the coroner’s assistant. Her name is Jenny. He says that’s a beautiful name. I laugh out loud because, as every reader of SPN-based RPF (real person fiction) knows, “Jenny” is the go-to nickname for Jensen Ackles. I assume the writers know this as well. If not...well, cute coincidence. Unless you’re appalled by RPF, of course. Then forget I said anything.

While Dean does his thing, Tamara and Isaac show what an adorable duo they are by bickering amiably about where they keep various demon-hunting supplies. (Okay, so it's THEIR house. Got it.) Dean gets off the phone after promising, with an eloquent grimace, to share an Appletini with Jenny, and tells the gang that the family from back at the farmhouse died of dehydration and starvation, in spite of the fully-stocked kitchen mere yards away. Apparently, to quote Dean, “They just sat down and never got up.” This makes no sense to anyone in the room, but I get it...only because I’ve been spoiled for this episode and know that it features the Seven Deadly Sins as demons.

And me and Sloth? We go way back.

ANYWAY. Dean wants to know their next move. Isaac says there is no “we,” ’cause “this ain’t Scooby-doo." Glad to hear it, buddy, but tell that to Daphne, wouldja? She’s about to make her first appearance and frankly, I’d rather have the Great Dane, slobber and all.

Isaac has no intention of banding with the morons who opened the hell’s gate and got them into this mess in the first place. Sam and Bobby look shamefaced. Dean looks pissed. They all part ways, and...

There she is. Daphne, otherwise known as the new, regular addition to the cast. (No, her name isn’t REALLY Daphne. We don’t learn her real name in this ep. But I? Will ever after call her Daphne, because it pleases me to do so. Nyah.)

She’s lurking in the shadows, doing her best impression of a broody, pissed-off prom queen. Because every effective hunter of demons wears long, hot-rollered bleached-yellow hair hanging loose over her shoulders and FALSE EYELASHES. SPN hair and makeup can suck it too.

Cut to daylight scene in clothing store. Possessed!Geek walks in, checks things out. Approaches pretty blonde, suggests that the bright green shoes currently being fondled by another woman are exceptionally attractive, and touches her shoulder, thereby infecting her with...lemme see...envy? Green shoes, get it? Yeah.

Blonde ends up beating other woman to death on the windshield of her own car to get the shoes. There may or may not have been eyeball poppage involved. I refuse to rewind and check.

Cut to Sam watching CSI types take samples from the murder scene. Dean is inside the shop, hitting on a sales assistant, which he calls, “Comforting the bereaved.” Sam pulls the kind of bitch-face that only Jared Padalecki can get away with and tries to make Dean feel guilty. Dean turns it around on him by reminding him of his imminent death and how he just wants to have some fun. Sam, ever the sucker, buys it. Sort of.

Bobby shows up dressed in a suit, having just impersonated an Assistant DA. He tells the boys what he’s learned about the murder, which is basically nothing. They notice a security camera in the corner and view the tape. Yahtzee! Possessed!Geek is now on their radar.

And oh, look. Daphne’s back, trailing Sam down the street and disappearing when he turns to look. Because she’s just. that. good. ~insert eyeroll~

Cut to night scene, parking lot outside bar. Bobby and Dean in front seat of Bobby’s car. (NOT the Metallicar, it’s important to note). It’s after midnight and they’ve got bupkis. Again. But the rain-splattered windshield makes pretty shadows on Ackles’ pretty face, so it’s all good.

Sam pounds on the window, startling Dean, who’s not amused. Then he shoves his Gigantor self into the back seat, mashing Dean against the dashboard, and I AM amused. Sam has discovered Possessed!Geek’s real name, which is Walter Rosen, and that he’s been missing from his home for a week. The boys decide he’s possessed. (And Jared Padalecki sounds like he hails straight from West Texas...which...true, that. But SAM is from Kansas, dammit. Get a grip on that accent, boy.)

That’s about the time ol’ Walter makes his appearance. While Bobby counsels caution, Dean’s all “he kills someone and we just sit here with our junk in our hands?” (You so know Ackles wanted to replace “junk” with “dick.” And...um...hey, I’ll hold that for you, Dean. You know...in the interest of supporting the fight of good against evil and stuff. Ahem.)

But it’s a moot point, because Isaac and Tamara show up, and we cut to the inside of the bar where they’re planning on taking Walter down. Things go bad fast, and suddenly the couple is surrounded by seven demons of obviously evil intent. The boys are pounding the front door, but it’s locked and barred. A demon -- well, a demon-possessed human -- puts his hand on Isaac’s shoulder and tells him to drink a bottle of drain cleaner, which he promptly does to the tune of Tamara shrieking in the background. Yick. He falls down, presumably dead. Helllooooo, Gluttony.

Then it’s Tamara’s turn, except...yes! Here comes the cavalry in the form of Bobby’s car crashing through the front doors. The boys jump out, spraying holy water in an EXTREMELY cool and well-choreographed fight scene. Dean wrestles Walter into the trunk of the car, which has a Devil’s Trap symbol on the inside of the hood, and then jumps into the car himself. They take off with Tamara screaming in grief, leaving six pissed off Deadly Sins demons behind them.

Cut for commercial, and because even I have only so much spare time to waste on this. Back tomorrow with the second half. Or the next day. We’ll see.

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