Post-Oscar Fashion Analysis From Someone Who Wears Sweats Five Days Out of Seven

I turned on the Oscars last night and the very first thing I saw was the dress that ate Charlize Theron.



Seriously. No...SERIOUSLY. Someone in the Theron camp/entourage/posse HATES Charlize.

That her stylist is certifiably insane seems to go without saying, but what about all the people around her who told she looked FABOOOO with that Black Hawk helicopter perched on her shoulder? You're telling me NOBODY had the cojones to stand up and say, "Hey, Charlie? Let's go see what else you've got in your closet, hmmmm?"

Academy Award winner or no, I feel sorry for the girl. She needs better friends.


And then there's Naomi Watts -- whom I think of as "NicoleKidmanLite" -- wearing a lovely confection the same exact shade as her skin.

The only way you could tell for sure where Naomi leaves off and the dress begins is by the nifty way the garment sort of...poofs...in the front. In a "shredded by a pack of feral Chihuahuas" kind of way.

Again, I blame the lack of good counsel from solid, got-your-back girlfriends with the courage to say, "No, DON'T walk the red carpet looking like that. I don't CARE if the dress is free and Donatella Versace/Vera Wang/Dolce & Gabbana have offered to let you keep it. For the love of all that's holy, JUST SAY NO."

What can I say about Helena Bonham-Carter?



I adore the woman, in all her weird, brilliantly bizarre glory, and harbor the slim hope that her costume is some very sly, subtle, satirical joke we're all far too dumb to get. But I think I'm probably wrong. I think Helena probably spends so much time listening to late seventies Kate Bush on the original vinyl and trying to keep Tim Burton from accidentally blowing a hole in the space-time continuum that she doesn't have much time to check out current fashion. Hence the dress and hair from...hmm...1987? Maybe?

I have nothing to say about Helena's shoes. There simply are no words.

A lot of people disagree with me on this one, but I HATE Keira Knightly's dress.


DESPISE. LOATHE. Yards and yards of shiny burgundy satin draped in a semi-mermaid cut don't belong on any twenty-year-old not auditioning for the role of a bridesmaid in a community theatre production of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I won't even go into how badly her new hair color clashes with her eyebrows.

So who looked good? Meh. I was unmoved, on the whole. I'm not a huge fan of Uma Thurman as an actress, but her dress was the only one that caught my eye and held it without pain.



As for the ceremony itself, I was glad to see George Clooney and Reese Witherspoon win, sad to see GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK and Joaquin Phoenix lose -- though I understand CAPOTE is a fantastic film and Philip Seymour Hoffman is amazing in it -- and I enjoyed most of Jon Stewart's banter. The bit about Bjork and Dick Cheney made me giggle, as did the whole "Keira Knightly, Acting While Beautiful" ad. Lauren Bacall's inability to read a teleprompter made me wince.

Was it just me, or did the whole thing just seem...I dunno...flat? Uninspired? A sanitized version of the Golden Globes, which are totally fixed, but a lot more fun to watch?

Maybe I'll just chalk it up to a late burst of cynicism, or an especially bad case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but it seems to me that when some chick who wins for...I dunno...was it art direction? Best adapted screenplay? Anyway, when some adorable woman thanks the Academy for seating her next to George Clooney at the nomination luncheon and gets the biggest laugh of the evening, you have to ask yourself -- why am I watching this? Of course, by that time it was nearly over, and I wanted to see if GOODNIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK would come from behind and take the big win. Alas, it was not to be. Instead, CRASH, a well-intentioned movie that nonetheless smashes its audience over the head repeatedly with its message, walked away with the Oscar for Best Picture. The more subtle -- and some might say subversive -- film that is GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK lost out.

Because in the end, what sane person can argue in this day and age that racism is not a bad, bad thing? But the slow and insidious encroachment upon civil liberties by a government that seeks to foment xenophobic paranoia among its citizenry? That may cut a tad too close to present truths to be a safe choice.

Besides, it's clearly all conspiracy theorist nonsense, and could never happen here. I mean...you know. Again.

And just because it's been far too long since I've been blatantly political: Your Ship-Has-Sailed Link of the Day.